I know with certainty I’m not alone when I say this: Sprouts are singularly disgusting. They must be grown in hell or some other unimaginably foul place and should never be used in a vegan sandwich, noodle dish, or worst of all: a salad. Don’t agree? Oh, but you will before we’re done.

Look at these disgusting things.

I know I should first talk about the history of sprouts, and how good and nutritious and whatever else they are for you, blah, blah, blah. But I won’t. They’re a menace. A menace! Let us count the ways:

Number one: Alfalfa sprouts taste disgusting. They are vile. The only other things that come even close to being this offensive are spirulina and aloe vera juice, two other vile things vegans for some reason insist I try to enjoy. Finding alfalfa sprouts in my food is like finding mold on bread.

Number two: Sprouts look disgusting. They do. They’re like… blanched pubes. Look at them again: hideous. Who in their right mind wants this crap in their food? And let’s face it, the texture is awful, too. Gnarly and thin and sticks in your teeth.

Number three: These horrid raw legumes (I just hate-Googled them) are everywhere. Even at my beloved Flore Vegan and M Cafe in Los Angeles. In the name of culinary Gods, why would you ruin a great club sandwich, or the Big Macro or ANY sandwich or salad by adding this hell weed??

Sprouts are like a menu minefield, one that must always be navigated and cleared before ordering. I openly confess: when I visit a vegan restaurant for the first time, I will look over the menu with the zeal of a network censor. The word SPROUTS leaps out at me like a curse word. I always politely ask: please under no circumstances put sprouts on ANYTHING.

Number four: I have no evidence for this, but will put forth the hypothesis that when a non-vegan friend tells you they tried a vegan burger or sandwich or whatever dish they didn’t like, it was because the restaurant inexplicably decided to ruin their perfectly delicious menu item with these nightmarish things. Nobody likes sprouts. Not even you. Just admit it.

In conclusion, the madness must end. Alfalfa sprouts must never again be used in vegan food. Anywhere. Ever. Thank you for your time.