PSA: Sprouts Are Disgusting And All Vegan Restaurants Must Stop Inflicting Them on Customers

Let me cut to the chase: I believe sprouts must be grown in hell or some other unimaginably foul awful place and should never be used in a vegan sandwich, noodle dish, or worst of all: a salad. Don’t agree? You will before we’re done.

Look at these disgusting things.

I know I should first talk about the history of sprouts, and how good and nutritious and whatever else they are for you, but I won’t. I hate these things so much I refuse to even Google them. I don’t care if they were the healthiest thing nature ever created in the history of the universe. I do not want them. I will not eat them. Ever.

Now, to clarify, I’m talking about alfalfa sprouts. I know many of you already knew that, because you hate them too. It’s okay to admit it and come out; there are more of us than you think. My relationship with bean sprouts is a lot like how my husband feels when he unexpectedly finds an errant cucumber in his salad, or a slice hidden in his sandwich: is he excited? No. Is his meal ruined? No. Does he pick the cucumber out? No. So bean sprouts: I will permit you to stay and I will eat you. Alfalfa sprouts, however: GTFO.

Let me try to fully articulate the depth of my aversion so you understand.

Number one: alfalfa sprouts taste disgusting. Disgusting. The only other things that come even close to being this offensive are spirulina and aloe vera juice, two other hellish and vile things vegans for some reason insist I try to enjoy. Know people who cannot stand the taste of cilantro? That’s me and sprouts, though multiplied by a billion. Finding alfalfa sprouts in my food is like finding mold on my bread after I’ve eaten most of it — ruins the appetite and haunts me for hours.

Number two: Sprouts look disgusting. They do. They’re like… blanched pubes. Look at them again: hideous. Who in their right mind wants this crap in their food? And let’s face it, the texture is awful, too. Gnarly and thin and sticks in your teeth. Did I mention the horrible taste?

Here’s what I truly don’t understand: These horrid raw legumes (I just hate-Googled them – know your enemy) are everywhere. Everywhere! Even at my beloved Flore Vegan and M Cafe in Los Angeles. In the name of culinary Gods, why would you ruin a great club sandwich, or the Big Macro or ANY sandwich or salad by adding this hell weed??

Sprouts are a menu minefield, one that must always be navigated and cleared before ordering.

I openly confess: when I visit a vegan restaurant for the first time, I will look over the menu (particularly the sandwiches and salads) with the zeal of a broadcast network censor: the word SPROUTS leaps out at me like a curse word. I always politely ask: please under no circumstances put sprouts on ANYTHING.

And be sure, I will know if they did, even fleetingly… When I eat a sandwich that came with a menu default setting of “sprouts,” before I take my first bite, I’m like a one-man ground-penetrating radar forensic team. I will look through my sandwich, check it for evidence of sprouts, and I will find even a lone offender. And remove it.

Though I have no evidence for this, I will put forth a hypothesis that when a non-vegan friend tells you they tried a veggie burger or sandwich or salad or whatever dish and didn’t like it, it may indeed have been because the restaurant inexplicably decided to ruin their perfectly delicious menu item with these nightmarish things. Nobody likes sprouts. Not even you. Just admit it.

In conclusion: the madness must end: alfalfa sprouts must never again be used in vegan food. Anywhere. Thank you for reading. And though you’re welcome to try, you will not change my mind.